Have you ever thought of escaping from all the work, miseries and troubles in life? Have you ever envied the dead?
For the past couple of days, I have been feeling tired. It was a bad month and there is way too much going on, which got me a little tired of living. I don’t hate my life, though I secretly do wish it ends for good. Before you get the wrong idea, I wasn’t having suicidal ideation, merely wishing my life to end in an unplanned accident.
This wasn’t the first time I’m having this thought.Thinking back, it all started when my younger brother passed away four years ago. On that day, seeing him laying lifeless on his deathbed, I wonder how nice would it be if it was me on the bed instead. He was my mother’s favorite son, and I had not been kind to him.
It’s just like sleeping, I thought to myself, only I don’t get to wake up. Well, it’s not as though I look forward to it. In the end of the day, isn’t life all about working on a job I will most likely hate, chasing after the illusion that money provides, surviving the month, paying bills and have the cycle continues?
I haven’t had this feeling for a long time though, well, not until a week ago. While I’m not sure if this is a normal feeling to have, I do know that if I left things as it is again, there will be more negative influences on my work and my surroundings than otherwise. I have learned my lesson.
Understanding the purpose behind the action
Simply put,the reasons to suicide for many have been to escape their problems, miseries and responsibilities. Though it is an easy way out, what suicide victims failed to understand is that they do not hate life itself. They only happen to get tired of theirs.
The beauty of life is that we all have a choice. If you happen to hate yours then change it. It may be hard, drastic, selfish and wrong, but as long as it brings a renewed purpose and strength to continue, it’s the best choice to make. Suicide is after all, a coward and selfish act, no matter how one argues.
Finding the source to these negative thoughts
Sometimes, when you have too much going on in your life, it blurs the root cause to your problems, my problems in this case.
To find a solution to a problem, you must first identify the problem. I took some time to meditate and try to understand what I am facing, and I’ve come to realize that all I really want is to run away from the stress I have accumulated overtime. I haven’t had fun without worries for sometime now.
Solution
Take a break, have a vacation. Get a leave or fake a medical leave if you have to. Just do whatever it takes to regain your life back. Ignore the consequences, critiques and the naysayers as they are not as important as keeping your sanity in check.
We don’t live the life of others. Hate as they may and criticize as they wish, it shouldn’t affect you from doing what you want. If you choose to take a break or make any drastic changes, these opinions should be the last of your worries. After all, they are not going to commit suicide on your behalf are they?
As for me, I never really care what others think. I guess I’m selfish when it comes to doing what I want. Over the past few days, this is exactly what I have been doing. I enjoy myself to the fullest. I went shopping, read books and play without worrying about my work. During the period, I refuse to write, exercise, reply messages, e-mail and work. The discipline, commitment and consistency to my blog and my workout regimen are all thrown out of the window. This lasted exactly a week as I have planned. I never intend to rest more than a week.
To commit suicide is to merely run away from your work, miseries and troubles. The problem is, most of the feelings that you may have which resulted in having suicidal ideation are either short lasting or can be solved with having some courage to change or act a little different than the norm. Most of the time, all you really need is a good break from everything.
During the one week that I’m recuperating, I consider myself dead and I try my best to act like one. Someone without worries, right?
The system in which the world works can drive many crazy at times. If you are ever stuck on finding a solution to your problem, try to think out of the box for a change.
What I have learned from the break
You can never avoid the problems in your life. You can at most delay it, but never ran away from it. To solve a problem, you need to face the problem.
But you know what, it feels good knowing I have full control of my life once in a while. It feels great living a life free of expectations and commitments, although it lasted only for a short period of time.
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Hi, Nik, I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a hard time, and about your brother. Must have been really hard on you. I guess we all go through bad patches, I am going through a prolonged bad phase right now. Taking a break is just not possible, I would love to if I could. I find that talking things out helps a lot and writing out the pain is cathartic. But the best advice I got was to take baby steps, deal with one day at a time. And know that there are people who need you in their lives, even if you are fed up with your own.
CafeNirvana´s last blog ..CafeNirvana: RT @mystorywriter What defines good #writing? http://bit.ly/2SvPsy ~ via @chavelaque @motsjustes @BJMuntain
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Thanks for the wonderful comment Nishi. I really appreciate it. Just to put this out there, I wasn’t really looking for sympathy when I decided to share my brother’s story. I just thought that since I’m writing about this, might as well I go all out and naked.
And before others get the wrong idea, again, I wasn’t having suicidal ideation….
I’m doing good here btw Nishi. And I really hope you are doing fine there. If you need to talk about your problems, you know where to find me ok. Again, many thanks for caring.
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Hey Karlil, Your article makes it very clear that you were not thinking about death at all. No wrong ideas. But being fed up with life does not mean dying. Sometimes one just gives up, goes into a shell or runs away. I have seen that happening a lot. People just give up, and sleepwalk through lives. You have given a good solution for that. It is all about choice. Make a choice and change things, instead of running away.
It’s good advice.
P.S. I love the picture. It’s beautiful.
CafeNirvana´s last blog ..CafeNirvana: @danielckoontz Thanks for the RT, Daniel
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 12:59 am
I have some friends who give up on trying to make more out of their life as well Nishi. I guess the uncertainty of achieving what they wish for has got the best out of them. Sometimes, when you face too many false hope, you tend to disregard other opportunities that comes along in future. I do understand why they give up, though I wish they see more and learn out of their failures than giving up on their dreams.
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We will all face death whether we like it or not, so there’s no really need to rush. Miseries are a fact of life, it is how we label things that brings us despair. However, how we perceive life depends on what’s on our minds. If our mind sees miseries as negative, we will act accordingly; but if we see miseries as lessons, then we will grow from it.
Walter´s last blog ..Finding myself beyond my identity
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:42 am
I can’t agree more Walter. Every emotion is a state of mind. Miseries cannot be avoided in life. The decisive factor that differentiate a winner from a loser is how we choose to deal with it. To be a winner or a loser is yet a choice we all have to make.It’s important to note that every winner is once a loser. Winner is not born, it is made.
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Hey Karlil, I had similar thoughts a few months ago when my cousin passed to better life. We grew up together so I was missing him a lot. Anyway that event made me think a lot, but I think life is an opportunity to grow and it’s our choice what to do with it. I don’t care much about what will happen when we pass away because nature will take care of us eventually. What I care instead is the present moment, which is all we have in reality.
Oscar – freestyle mind´s last blog ..Habit #4 Update + 1 Month extension
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present. – Joan Rivers
That is one of my favorite quote. Focusing on the present is a constant work in progress. There will always be distractions of the past and the future. It is our responsibility to bring back the focus on the NOW.
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Hi Karlil,
Well that sure is one of those posts that get readers to know you better, and thanks a lot for that deep honesty. I didn’t know about your brother, and I see you carry some guilt / regret ‘I have not been kind to him’.
Obviously you need a good breather, and perhaps get back into training, be it TKD, Silat, or take a crack at karate. Regular training has amazing effects on morale.
Perhaps there are more specific problems, and if so I hope you successfully get through them. Don’t hesitate to ask if you need some help.
Charles´s last blog ..How to get hundreds of dofollow backlinks to your website.
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:43 am
I would really love to get my hands on silat again. Though with that said, my schedule does not seem to allow such luxury. I would certainly get to it when I have more time to spare in the near future. And I would love a raining check on the offer for help Charles.
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Hmmm, just read your Twitter profile, you look punchy again, that’s good
Charles´s last blog ..How to get hundreds of dofollow backlinks to your website.
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:47 am
I wasn’t active in twitter during my recuperation period. Internet is bad…
But I’ll be active starting today again. Talk to you soon Charles.
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Careers definitely have screwed up peoples priorities. They look for money before they will look for mental health. Hope you got plenty of rest man.
I figure we’ll get to death soon enough, no need to rush it, besides no one living has any real idea of what is on the other side anyways.
Justin- AlittleBetter.net´s last blog ..How to Find Your Own Voice in the Crowd
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Well, it seems like most of us just need to stick up to paying our dues until we managed to set ourselves free from the rat race don’t we Justin.
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Hey Karlil, thanks for this motivation. I’m sorry you feel this way right now, but yeah you’re right. Sometimes life gets the worse of us and we just have to tell ourselves that we have a choice – either to give up or to move forward. I’m glad you not running away from life, but facing the problems of life.
Tristan Lee´s last blog ..A Conscious Decision
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 1:43 am
Thanks Tristan. Every man will have to face his problem sooner or later. The act of running only delays facing the inevitable. It does not solve the problem. Now that is the real problem
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Karlil, I can relate to that period of time, that the old myths called the dark night of the soul. I find this term pretty good, because it feels for the soul like a totally dark night and there seems to be no light coming. But the old myths also knew, that this dark night of the soul was a prerequisite for a period of (spiritual) growth. Life and death are deeply interwoven. The old knew, that unless you know how to die (I don’t mean technically, but from your soul) you don’t know how to live. Once you are through that dark night of the soul (which means once you’ve overcome your deepest fear of death – and that includes not only the physical death but also all aspects of death, mental, physical and spiritual (therefore fearing to be not good enough in this life is a form of death). Once you are through this dark night of the soul you can become a phoenix. This mystical bird, died (it burned itself) and then was reborn from its own ash.
So I hope that you will accept the phase (though it is painful) as something of highest value – it will bring you back to the essence of what life should really be about. And that could not be a monotonous job etc.
You should come out of this a changed man – if you don’t change, then you are more a zombie – someone who is still dead, but doesn’t know it. Prepare yourself to been born again.
Patrick´s last blog ..What Butterflies and Mountains can teach you about Self-Respect
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
I have not heard of such myth Patrick, but I’m truly glad you shared it here with me. You just sum up the feeling I had which I am not able to expressed, and possibly never will in a manner which you did in this comment. Beautifully said, in all honesty.
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Whoa – this is deep and very honest. At first, I had to check and make sure I was at the same place. Life is hard. That is no lie. I’m glad that you got to take a break and you are OK.
Lynn´s last blog ..The Weekly Top 5
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Everyone has a story to tell after all, Lynn. Be it good or bad
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Hi Nik
That’s a very honest post you have put out there and one that has the potential to shower your soul and clean it.
Sometimes wishing your were dead can be comforting, it gives us a choice where no choices exist, it doesn’t meant to say you want to kill yourself it’s just nice to know there are choices in life.
You sound very self aware, which is a great thing and it’s a skill that will get you through a lot of hard times.
Take care Nik, looking forward to your next post.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..Seeing the Beauty in Ugliness
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Karlil Reply:
September 25th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
It is comfortable in its own way, knowing that all men will soon meet his death. Immortality is boring. In regards to the next post, I promise it’s not going to be a gloomy one Steven.
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Nea | Self Improvement Saga Reply:
October 9th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I totally agree with you, Steven. Nik sounds very self aware & there is nothing wrong with acknowledging all of your choices…. including the choice to live.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..50 Regrets and the Life Lessons to Learn From Them
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Niki, to be honest, no. I’ve never had feelings of envying the dead or wishing I was dead. I’m sorry about your depression.
Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..How to Create Happiness Enhancing Goals
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Lucky you Stephen. But I don’t really feel bad when I’m depressed though. As a matter of fact, I feel human. That and the fact that I have more excuse to grab a bag and head for a vacation. Something which is more fun to do when you weren’t suppose to. Life is great when you know how to take a break from time to time.
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Once, a long time ago in high school, the thought crossed my mind.
Oher thoughts that came to mind: 1) How would I do it, 2) What method would be the most efficient/foolproof, least painful, 3) Who would find the body, 4) Who would clean it up, 5) What good could come from it, 6) How many people would suffer, 7) Who would I hurt the most,
What would the state of my after-life be, if any, 9) What about heaven and hell, 10) What about all these adventures I couldn’t have anymore such as traveling, meeting great people, experiencing the world and all its wonders and messiness, 11) What about the things I loved doing like hanging out with really cool, fun people or reading a great book while lazing around at the beach, eating ice cream…
It all just seemed so much work, none of which I wanted to do or be part of. It’s finality didn’t really present any options other than permanent release from a temporary mood or feeling or challenge.
So, while it did cross my mind, my analytical self kicked in and kept me from ever considering it as a viable option.
Belinda Munoz´s last blog ..ALL CLEAR: FeedMedic Alert for thehalfwaypoint
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Karlil Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Belinda, I don’t know why you had the thought, but thank Lord you didn’t went with the plan. As for me, I never really once went to the extent of planning my own death.
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Hi Karlil,
I think this is your best post so far. It was so personal but at the same time inspiring. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult phase in your life, however it is good that you seem to be coping with it really well. I think most people go through this dark phase in their life but this is just a phase after all.
It’s important to understand that all your problems and concerns are just temporary. Today they are here and they are troubling your mind, but tomorrow they might as well disappear. Your strategy of coping with this stress is great. The break you are talking about is all you need to reevaluate your life, see what is vitally important and what is not.
I hope that this break will leave you feeling happier and ready to take new challenges in life. After all your problems are just challenges, just steps designed to make you a better person.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..How to Develop Healthy Habits That Stick
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Karlil Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I’m happy you find the article inspiring Anastasiya. And many thanks for caring. I’m doing very good here. I’ll be sure to write something better than this in the near future, so please do look forward to it
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I kinda had some bad days recently (regretful choices made), but not till the extend of suicidal. But all those stuff happen cos’ we’re human right?
Get back up. Rock on.
Daniel Richard´s last blog ..Top 10 Reasons Why 6 Hours of Sleep is Essential For Your Productivity
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Karlil Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Exactly Daniel. I can’t agree more, and I’m doing very good here. Thank you for caring.
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Karlil,
You’re right, the only way to solve our own problems is to face your own problems. Not by running away.
Have a great day!
Ken
Ken Kurosawa´s last blog ..Why 100 Calorie Packs Make You Fat
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Karlil Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
It certainly feels good to delay the problem though at times. Although procrastinating is generally regarded as bad. I guess men are not meant to be perfect after all
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I read somewhere that when you’re going through a major period of spiritual transformation/awakening, one of the characteristics is a non-suicidal interest in death. That only applies to people who aren’t depressed, yet they are interested in moving on from this life. Moving on to something greater.
I’ve suffered from major depression in the past so I know the difference in wanting to die for relief from emotional hell v.s. having an interest in the calmness that comes with leaving the physical body behind. You touched on both of these in your post.
Your solution is great for people who are really struggling with unhappiness & feeling suicidal. We all need a break some time. Life is supposed to be fun, but if can feel quite the opposite when you don’t know how to lighten up.
Thanks for sharing such a heartfelt post.
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last blog ..50 Regrets and the Life Lessons to Learn From Them
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Karlil Reply:
October 24th, 2009 at 4:11 am
This is truly a wonderful comment Nea. Thank you.
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Suicide is neither selfish nor cowardly. It’s a perfectly reasonable and legitimate choice.
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Hi Jonathan. I hope you’re doing well. While I may not know what you’re going through, nor will I even be able to comprehend the pain you are suffering if I did, know that you are not alone in this fight. I came across a video post the other day that really touched me and motivates me to keep trying. It is by Nick Vujijic titled “Get Back Up.” Here’s the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MslbhDZoniY I hope it will inspire you to find new meaning in life. Take care.
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i can relate.. and works hard at kicking such thoughts when they come. It gets worst, i think too, when we haven’t got “real friends” who are wiling to listen when you really feel like “talking it out” because everyone i know seemed more interested in talking than listening.
Silver´s last blog ..A New Awakening
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listen im losing my bro to cancer i wish it were me i cant handle it he feels so much pain he dont deserve it.
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